Don't judge me...

For all the mom's out there that I judged in my "Pre-Mom" era. I am sorry. I am sorry I thought you were an idiot. I am sorry I thought you were an air head. I am sorry that I wanted to smack you in the face for forgetting to do something that I had asked you to do like 6 times. I am just sorry that I ever judged you.

I like to think I am a "with it" kind of person. I remember birthdays. I remember my errands. I remember names. I remember the tasks at hand and to stay focused and finished them. Well, not anymore. I struggle. I suck. I can be putting laundry in the dryer and half way through I forgot I was watering the lawn and it's been going for two hours. I then remember I need to run to the bank and then someone asks me to look at a paper or email, so I jump on the computer to check that real quick and then Aspyn asks me to play catch with her so I do and then its time to feed Chez but I remember I hadn't text back someone that had text me two hours earlier and then after dinner and baths are over, I walk into the laundry room and wonder why the washer and dryer lids are open and remember that I was suppose to put the laundry in the dryer like 5 hours earlier.

This is what my day is like all the time. I could be talking mid sentence and I forget what I am saying and have to stop and think about the first part so I can finish the last part. I can't remember names for the life of me. I will sit and think of a name for hours and these are people I have known for YEARS! I forget to go to the bathroom. I forget to eat. I don't exercise and the only thing that sounds remotely good to me is Pepsi and Ice Cream. I hardly shower. It takes too long to do my hair. I have at least tried to put jeans on instead of my usual comfy pants everyday so I at least look presentable on the outside, but on the inside I stink. Driving down the road, I forget where I am going and then I have to turn around because I went past the street. Tyler will ask me to do a simple errand like getting him something at the store and I don't write it down and I completely forget.

Stick a fork in me...I am done. I have two kids. I can only imagine what will happen with another one or one after that. I am trying to be "normal" again. I am trying to pretend I know what I am doing. I have two kids. The phrase "they sucked the life out of me" fits me. It's not that they sucked everything out of me..just the part where I am suppose to be a "with it" person. So I am sorry if I forget what I am saying to you, or I can't remember what you just told me the sentence before or that I was suppose to do something for someone else and I didn't write it on the calendar and I spaced it. I am sorry that I don't remember to comb my hair or go through the day and realize I didn't brush my teeth yet. I will try. I will keep trying. But I know I will fail.

The other night...I put this away in the pantry.

I was suppose to put that away...

but 45 minutes later...I realized what I had done. Good thing I hadn't gone all night with it in there. The ice cream was still soggy.

Seriously?!?!? What have I become???

What's even more is right after I posted this...we went up on the mountain. We were on our way up there and I couldn't find my cell phone. I usually put it in my back pocket. Anyway, after searching for it to the side of the seat, under the seat, in the seat crack, in the diaper bag, in my jacket...I asked Tyler to call it. I found it. It was in my FRONT pocket. I was so embarrassed. I literally didn't know if I should laugh or cry. I wanted to do both. I hate that I have become this way. I feel like an airhead and that I don't know what I am doing. Later that night, I almost blew up the house. I was heating some hot fudge and I put it in for too long, it ended bursting leaving hot fudge EVERYWHERE for me to clean up. I thought I made the microwave explode.

It's just embarrassing and mortifying. And for the most part...I hate it when I look like a fool. I know for good cause I wouldn't trade my kids for my sanity...but sometimes I wish I was normal again.